The Rumpus

I'll have double drugs. Super-size it!

It is always good to keep with what’s hot and what’s not in childbirth trends, I know that 25 years ago it was all the rage to feel every torturous minute, from first contraction to last push. I know, I know, it sounds fantastic, but as a product of this drug-less birthing process, I can tell you it was quite traumatic. I went from the nice warm, serene womb into a bright room filled with grunting, screaming and profanity-and that was just the doctor, you should have heard my mother. Nowadays, it is kind of a do what ever you want to do attitude, just as long as the baby comes out. I don’t know about you, but if I were having a root canal, having my toenail pulled out, or pushing a watermelon out of my nostril, I would opt for drugs. I feel the same way about giving birth. In fact, I will petition for double drugs! But, now that the option of inducing labor is on the table (no pun intended) I have started having some thoughts about having synthetic hormones injected into my body. When you induce, to get the labor process started, they give you pitocin, which is the synthetic form of oxytocin, a hormone your body makes naturally and usually begins the labor process. Normally, I would not care about going with the faux version; I have no problem with acrylic nails or toting around my knock off “Kate Spade” purses. But, putting a knock-off hormone into my body, that just seemed too scary, I mean look at Janice Dickinson, you can go too far with the artificial stuff, you start by augmenting the uterus and then you just can't stop!

Still, I am very impatient and I want this baby out, so, I have been looking on the internet for natural ways to get my body to produce this hormone. Lo and behold I found this informative website called Birthing Naturally which has some wonderful ideas about how to induce labor naturally. The most effective way is nipple stimulation, since it can cause uterine contractions. I thought it sounded pretty interesting and decided to read on and figure out the methods and proper techniques to stimulate the nipple (I really didn't want to bring the subject of nipples into this blog but it is just too irresistible). So, there I was gathering information of nipple stimulation when the article crossed the line and hit me with this: “The areola can be orally massaged by a baby who has been "borrowed" for this purpose (babies under 6 weeks will tend to suckle anyone)”. WHAT!?!!?  I could not believe what I had just read, I called Steve in and had him read it. He wanted to scandalize me even more so he said, “can I borrow it after you?” Okay, Ewww!

Really now people, imagine this:

“Excuse me? Hi, my name is Fawn Furflower. What's your baby’s name? Can I borrow him for a few minutes? Don’t worry this is totally NATURAL. I just need him to suckle on me so I can have my own baby sooner, he will suckle anyone, oh, and my husband wants to borrow him after me. Thanks!”

Now listen, if this "baby borrowing" business turns into the newest childbirth trend and any of you scary natural people come up to me and ask to borrow my baby, just be warned, I will be charging a substantial hourly rate.

My baby ate my boyshorts! Oh, and I am crazy

CAUTION! Viewer discretion is advised. Please do not scroll down if you do not want to see a very pregnant lady in very small shorts. The following images are graphic and difficult to view and are not recommended for children and some adults.

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This is what happens when you gain 40 pounds in a matter of 5 months...do the math, that is 8 pounds a month! Keep in mind, the baby will only weigh about 8 pounds.

I warned you! The first picture is at 16 weeks pregnant and the second I took yesterday at 37 weeks pregnant. Look at those little shorts hanging on for dear life! I have split more seams in the last month than in an entire lifetime. Yes, those are the same shorts, I put them on yesterday and I was afraid I would not be able to get them off!

I am so miserable and it is not just the weight gain. It has been about 95 degrees here for the last few weeks, I am totally irritable and I think I am slowly creeping toward insanity. Usually little Tebucky pummels me all day long, in the ribs, the liver, the stomach, the bladder-anything he can get his little bony limbs on. But, two days ago he started doing this rhythmic pounding with just one limb, it would go on for about 5 minutes, then he would stop and not move for a while, then start doing it again. This went on for the entire day and then at night he just stopped moving (at least not as rigorously as I am used to). So, before I panicked, I decided to go on the internet and do a little research since the internet has ALL the answers-expecialy frum all the woman in online chattin' fourums who shuld allways bee cunsultd befour callin' yur doctur...I really should have gotten the hint about the accuracy of the advice from these women who can't even spell "doctor". For those of you who know me, I am slightly neurotic (no comments Kelly) and these online forums sent me over the edge, I was convinced Tebucky was completely entangled in his umbilical cord. So naturally being calm and collected, I started sobbing hysterically. As I was yelping I mentioned to Steve that we needed to rush to the emergency room. Steve is used to my antics, so he kind of rolled his eyes at me, got dressed and off we went to the ER. On our way there, my hysteria must have woken Tebucky because he started kicking. I still was convinced that he was just struggling to free himself from his umbilical cord and continued on to the ER.

Now, I thought once we got to the ER they would just put the Doppler to my belly, let me hear the heartbeat and send me home. This however, is not protocol. They got a wheelchair, sent me up to the maternity ward, put me in a room, dressed me in a gown, had me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to all the wires and we had to sit there for a few hours listening to Tebucky's perfect little heartbeat. At this point, I am quite embarrassed. Of course, the embarrassment and excitement of the evening made my blood pressure skyrocket, so then I had to wait while they drew blood and took my blood pressure about 20 times. Apparently, if I did have pre-eclampsia (high blood pressure during pregnancy), I would have to stay in the hospital and possibly be induced. Poor Steve, he was on a very uncomfortable little recliner and every time a nurse came in (every 5 minutes) he felt the need to sit up straight in allegiance, like a perfect gentleman. It was so annoying, the nurses coming in and out, Steve popping up and down, the whoosh whoosh of the heart monitor and the blood pressure cuff tightening every 10 minutes. What made it worse was I had this horrible "white coat blood pressure syndrome", where every time a nurse came in my blood pressure would go through the roof which called for more tests and more time sitting in this bed sweating, the gauze pad they make you sit on was sticking everywhere making me totally irritable and causing my blood pressure to rise even more.  It was a cruel cycle. I am sure labor will be so much more fun.

Finally, at about 2 in the morning a nurse came in and said my blood tests were fine and I could be discharged. I was feeling exceptionally lame and then they put me in a wheelchair and paraded me through the whole hospital with a sign that said "She's not in labor, she's just crazy"...then they dumped me out on the curb and said "If you come back, your baby better be in dire distress or you better be ready to push, crazy lady". Okay, that part didn't really happen, they were actually quite nice and kept telling me I did the right thing, yadda yadda yadda, it happens all the time, blah, blah, blah...But, I was still totally embarrassed and kept looking to Steve for support, but he was very stoic and just kept shaking his head at me. 

Anyhow, we will keep you up to date when they actually let us back in the hospital. Here is the good news, since I am going insane with this pregnancy my doctor said we could induce me at 39 weeks! Hip hip horray! Only two more weeks until all the postpartum hormones make me really, really crazy!

Woot! Woot!

Okay, my new favorite website in the world, other than STEVE, DON'T EAT IT!,  is Woot! Woot! is like Overstock.com except it only sells one item everyday, usually electronics, at super low prices.  The best part is that it updates the item every night at midnight central time (10:00pm for my west coast homies).  Sometimes the item sells out within minutes and sometimes it doesn't sell out at all.  That's the wonderful world of Woot!  Now, here's my story...  The other night Woot! offered the mystical B.O.C. (Bag of Crap, for the uninitiated) where they just fill a bag with their leftover stock items and sell it for a $1 (and only $5 shipping).  It's the best thing ever and it only pops up once in a great while.  However, when I tried to log on to the site (at 10:01) it took a while due to the high volume of Wooters trying to get a deal.  As I was trying desperately to get through, Lindsey decided that she wanted to cuddle.  And yes, Mother Jackson, it was just cuddling.  However, she is such a demanding cuddler that I was not able to get back to my computer until the BOC had sold out.  Sadly, I didn't get to participate in the best Woot! ever.  Now Lindsey has the "no-cuddle-until-after-I-see-what's-on-Woot!" rule in effect.  I suggest that the rest of you do the same.

Oh, and you should check out Woot! just for the product descriptions - they're awesome.

I'm turning Japanese I really think so

I am totally obsessed with the FACEANALYZER, courtesy of my funny, charming, pretty-again-now-that-she's-getting-thin-again sister Kelly.  I put in a picture of Steve and me into the FACEANALYZER and apparently am 100% Korean/Japanese! Mother Jackson I knew it! All those times throughout childhood when Grady told me I was adopted, he was telling the truth.

Lindsey Jackson-son.

Also, according to the FACEANALYZER, I am a male. Wow. Who knew? I also have low gay-factor. Which is absolutely not true because it says I am a male and I really like males, so I must have very high gay factor, right?

Now, I started to get suspicious about the accuracy of this face analysis tool when it classified me as a charmer. Who me? Charming? For those of you who know me, that is bogus! This FACEANALYZER must be a sham. Just to be sure, I did a few other test runs. Here are the results:

Rascal, our nine year old cattle dog is 41% Eastern European and 59 % Anglo Saxon. Rascal has low promiscuity, which is true, because he has no....actually I don't want to embarrass him, but trust me, he is not promiscuous.  Rascal also makes an average of $30,000-$50,000 a year. All this time we thought he was sleeping when we left him alone at home! I hope I'm in his will. And, of course Rascal has a will, since he is a BETA-ACADEMIC! As a beta academic, he is a long-term planner, diligent worker and avoids risk as much as possible.

The Madame Alexander baby doll, you guessed it! He is a cigar smoking BETA BOSS.  "He is a power driven risk-taker. His desires to obtain power quickly propels him to take large risks, both financially and socially".

Wow! Who knew an online facial analyzer could be so accurate?!

Wedding Announcement

Our wedding announcement is now up on the Santa Cruz Sentinel.  You can check it out by clicking here.

There's no picture online, but this is what you'd see if you got the paper today...

Cherry Angioma, Cherry Angioma

As I am sure some of you have noticed I have a yucky thing on my chest. It is centered right in the middle like a third nipple, but higher up. At first it was just really small, like a pinprick and then one day about two years ago it burst open and did not stop bleeding for days. Once the bleeding stopped I was left with this weird little blood-filled bump. However, since I have been pregnant and blood volume increases by up to 30-40% this thing has mutated to about 10 times its original size and I constantly get asked about it- "Is that new?" "Have you had a doctor look at that yet?" And, of course, my nieces always say to me- "Oh, poor Teetee has a big, big boo-boo". It doesn't hurt, I am just constantly afraid I will rip it off somehow. Steve has bought me several beautiful necklaces with pendants that I wear daily to cover this thing up. Pictured below is the beautiful Elsa Peretti necklace that he got me last year for Christmas.

But, recently these pendants just teeter-totter on top of this thing since it now protrudes so much. Tragic.

Here is more information on my debilitating skin growth (okay, it is not so debilitating, but it definitely limits my wardrobe selection):

Alternate Names : Angioma - Cherry, Senile Angioma

Definition:

A cherry angioma is a benign skin growth that appears as a small, smooth, cherry-red bump.

Cherry angiomas are benign, fairly common skin growths that vary in size. They can occur almost anywhere on the body but usually develop on the trunk.

They are most common after age 40. The cause is unknown. Although painless and harmless, cherry angiomas may bleed profusely if injured.

Since I prefer not to have a part of my body referred to as senile, I call it a cherry angioma. Steve took this name and transformed into a lovely song. Mind you, he sings this song to me every time I mention the cherry angioma or he feels like being especially annoying. I must warn you this little jingle will get stuck in your head for hours and hours...and just like any clever jingle, it will have you wanting your very own cherry angioma in no time!

To the tune of Gary, Indiana from The Music Man. Here is a link to the music if you would like to sing along.                                                                              

Cherry, Angioma

Cherry, Angioma, Cherry, Angioma, Cherry, Angioma                                                                  Let me say it once again.
Cherry, Angioma, Cherry, Angioma, Cherry, Angioma 
It's the benignfairlycommonskingrowth that "knew me when."

If you'd like to have a logical explanation
How I happened on this elegant syncopation,
I will say without a moment of hesitation
There is just one place
That can light my face.
Cherry, Angioma,                                                                                                                Cherry, Angioma,                                                                                                                        My growth sweet growth.

(By Steven Brandenburg, 2005)

Dueling Tebuckys

He burps! He hiccups! He already torments his mother! He can even breathe underwater! Okay, I know, I know we are already acting like the obsessed parents who spend all day bragging about our child, showing off his picture and telling everyone just how smart he is. But, just know this: it will only get worse once he is out of my belly. The picture I would like to share today is from the same ultrasound lineup that Steve shared yesterday. Look at this kid, is he cute or what? I feel like I am carrying a real, live version of a character in one of my favorite books, Harold from Harold and the purple crayon!

Do you see the resemblance? I really think he does have a purple crayon in there, which would explain all the crazy fetal flailing; he is in there drawing whole cities and skips through them while I am trying to sleep.

But, while closely examining this image, I realized that this kid has my forehead! Or as Steve calls it, my fivehead.

Now, I picture him looking more like this:

Pretty scary, huh? You know what is even scarier? The only way that I picture Tebucky is as a

2-dimensional character or a misshapen Madame Alexander doll. What a rude awaking I am in for.

 

Tebucky

Okay, here he is.  And, yes, he's burping.  And, yes, this was my proudest moment as a parent so far.  This and the time he kicked Lindsey right after she insulted me.  Stay tuned as this is a fairly old ultrasound pic at this point and we're scheduled to get a new one in two weeks, I think. 

Welcome!

Yep, after months of procrastinating Lindsey and I finally decided to get a blog going.  So welcome to our new little home on the web!  We're planning on using this mostly as a way to distribute baby news and stories across the country, but we reserve the right to rant and rave as we see fit, too.  Mom, if you've made it this far, I'm so proud of you.  You'll get bonus points if you figure out how to comment.

Anyway, we're planning on posting engagement stories, wedding stories, honeymoon stories and all that other good stuff in the next few weeks so that everyone is up to speed by the time Tebucky shows up.  Oh, and if you don't already know, Tebucky is the name of the fetus.  If anybody has any great ideas for baby names, we're listening.  You might just win yourself a few slightly used diapers.

Yep, after months of procrastinating Lindsey and I finally decided to get a blog going.  So welcome to our new little home on the web!  We're planning on using this mostly as a way to distribute baby news and stories across the country, but we reserve the right to rant and rave as we see fit, too.  Mom, if you've made it this far, I'm so proud of you.  You'll get bonus points if you figure out how to comment.

Anyway, we're planning on posting engagement stories, wedding stories, honeymoon stories and all that other good stuff in the next few weeks so that everyone is up to speed by the time Tebucky shows up.  Oh, and if you don't already know, Tebucky is the name of the fetus.  If anybody has any great ideas for baby names, we're listening.  You might just win yourself a few slightly used diapers.