My baby ate my boyshorts! Oh, and I am crazy

CAUTION! Viewer discretion is advised. Please do not scroll down if you do not want to see a very pregnant lady in very small shorts. The following images are graphic and difficult to view and are not recommended for children and some adults.

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This is what happens when you gain 40 pounds in a matter of 5 months...do the math, that is 8 pounds a month! Keep in mind, the baby will only weigh about 8 pounds.

I warned you! The first picture is at 16 weeks pregnant and the second I took yesterday at 37 weeks pregnant. Look at those little shorts hanging on for dear life! I have split more seams in the last month than in an entire lifetime. Yes, those are the same shorts, I put them on yesterday and I was afraid I would not be able to get them off!

I am so miserable and it is not just the weight gain. It has been about 95 degrees here for the last few weeks, I am totally irritable and I think I am slowly creeping toward insanity. Usually little Tebucky pummels me all day long, in the ribs, the liver, the stomach, the bladder-anything he can get his little bony limbs on. But, two days ago he started doing this rhythmic pounding with just one limb, it would go on for about 5 minutes, then he would stop and not move for a while, then start doing it again. This went on for the entire day and then at night he just stopped moving (at least not as rigorously as I am used to). So, before I panicked, I decided to go on the internet and do a little research since the internet has ALL the answers-expecialy frum all the woman in online chattin' fourums who shuld allways bee cunsultd befour callin' yur doctur...I really should have gotten the hint about the accuracy of the advice from these women who can't even spell "doctor". For those of you who know me, I am slightly neurotic (no comments Kelly) and these online forums sent me over the edge, I was convinced Tebucky was completely entangled in his umbilical cord. So naturally being calm and collected, I started sobbing hysterically. As I was yelping I mentioned to Steve that we needed to rush to the emergency room. Steve is used to my antics, so he kind of rolled his eyes at me, got dressed and off we went to the ER. On our way there, my hysteria must have woken Tebucky because he started kicking. I still was convinced that he was just struggling to free himself from his umbilical cord and continued on to the ER.

Now, I thought once we got to the ER they would just put the Doppler to my belly, let me hear the heartbeat and send me home. This however, is not protocol. They got a wheelchair, sent me up to the maternity ward, put me in a room, dressed me in a gown, had me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to all the wires and we had to sit there for a few hours listening to Tebucky's perfect little heartbeat. At this point, I am quite embarrassed. Of course, the embarrassment and excitement of the evening made my blood pressure skyrocket, so then I had to wait while they drew blood and took my blood pressure about 20 times. Apparently, if I did have pre-eclampsia (high blood pressure during pregnancy), I would have to stay in the hospital and possibly be induced. Poor Steve, he was on a very uncomfortable little recliner and every time a nurse came in (every 5 minutes) he felt the need to sit up straight in allegiance, like a perfect gentleman. It was so annoying, the nurses coming in and out, Steve popping up and down, the whoosh whoosh of the heart monitor and the blood pressure cuff tightening every 10 minutes. What made it worse was I had this horrible "white coat blood pressure syndrome", where every time a nurse came in my blood pressure would go through the roof which called for more tests and more time sitting in this bed sweating, the gauze pad they make you sit on was sticking everywhere making me totally irritable and causing my blood pressure to rise even more.  It was a cruel cycle. I am sure labor will be so much more fun.

Finally, at about 2 in the morning a nurse came in and said my blood tests were fine and I could be discharged. I was feeling exceptionally lame and then they put me in a wheelchair and paraded me through the whole hospital with a sign that said "She's not in labor, she's just crazy"...then they dumped me out on the curb and said "If you come back, your baby better be in dire distress or you better be ready to push, crazy lady". Okay, that part didn't really happen, they were actually quite nice and kept telling me I did the right thing, yadda yadda yadda, it happens all the time, blah, blah, blah...But, I was still totally embarrassed and kept looking to Steve for support, but he was very stoic and just kept shaking his head at me. 

Anyhow, we will keep you up to date when they actually let us back in the hospital. Here is the good news, since I am going insane with this pregnancy my doctor said we could induce me at 39 weeks! Hip hip horray! Only two more weeks until all the postpartum hormones make me really, really crazy!

Comments

[Lorrel]

YOU are HILARIOUS!!! You had me laughing out loud like a crazy person with that story. I mean, of course it was all very frightening and upsetting for the mama of little Tebucky, but the way you described it had me rolling. Possibly because I'm on the other side of that "white coat hypertension" that you were talking about. I always ask patients, "am I making you nervous?" as though a thousand people in white coats all leaning over your bed, staring at you, trying to figure out if the R side of your face is droopy or not ISN'T a nerve-wracking experience. And pelvic exams.... those are even better :). In any case, I'm glad little Tebucky is doing fine, and you, my dear, are looking gorgeous as always. I hope the delivery is smoother than a baby's bottom!

[Mama B]

Lindsey, have you considered taking up writing? You could be the next Irma Bombeck or are you too young to know who that is? But I am so ecstatic that you will be induced in two weeks. We will be here!!!!! Steve had me going when he said the official due date is still the 18th.

[Steve]

Mom, calm down. The official due date is still the 18th. Getting induced is the last resort, but still a possibility. We'll see. If she makes me take her to the hospital in the wee hours of the night again I'll pull the thing out myself.